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LOUD SCREAM

2
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TV:  "This week, the contestants
have to prove why

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"they should become Lord Sugar's
business partner."

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Her eyes are terrifying.

5
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She scared the shit out of me this
morning,

6
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but she's completely fixed my neck.

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00:00:24,800 --> 00:00:29,040
It was the perfect opportunity to
correct your C7 nerve compression.

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00:00:29,040 --> 00:00:31,440
I thought you were going to kill me.

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I'd never kill you, Sue.

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Aw.

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You should have told me
you were coming round

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because I'd have got some food in.

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We just wanted to say hi,

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and see how things
were going with Linda.

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And also...

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..it's kind of a big day.

17
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Renee is...  I'm being awarded
my brown belt in BJJ!

18
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Congratulations, Renee!

19
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It's a really big deal.

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It means I can start coaching
students.

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And, you know, Chris even said that
I can instruct without him there.

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A-Are you still training with Chris?

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I can't stop him
teaching in the gym.

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What am I meant to do?
Change instructors?

25
00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:21,400
Wow. That's pretty controlling.

26
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In case you're lost, Linda,
Chris is the instructor Renee

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was having an affair with.

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Oh, dear, poor Michael.

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How humiliating.

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I-I-I'm fine.

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Where is Chris now?

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I don't know. He's probably
with his family.

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With his mother and father?

34
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No. With his wife and kids.

35
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Was it just a fling for Chris?

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A bit of how's your father, a knee
trembler, a bit on the side...

37
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J-J-Just shut up, Linda.
We've dealt with all of this.

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My family are coming to see me
get awarded my new belt

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and we're all going to go
for dinner afterwards.

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Can you come, too?

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I can't today, sorry.

42
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Why, Sue?

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Because we're busy.

44
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What are we doing today, Sue?
We don't do anything.

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Tomorrow, nothing.

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Thursday, nothing.

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Friday, nothing.

48
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We're definitely doing something.

49
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Don't worry. It's fine.

50
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I just wanted the whole family there
because it's taken me

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three years to achieve this.

52
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Perhaps a joke would lighten
the mood. A rabbi, a Boy Scout

53
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and a showgirl
are on a crashing plane...

54
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Do you know what?
W-We should actually be going.

55
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I've got a client at nine.

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Good to see you again, Sue.

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Likewise.

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I know you don't really like Renee,
but pretending you're busy...

59
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I'm not pretending.

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00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:54,880
Oh, come on. Busy doing what?

61
00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:57,240
You don't even have a job.
You've NEVER had a job!

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My job was raising you

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and caring for your father.

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Renee's whole family
is going to be there.

65
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I just wanted you there, too.

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Because a brown belt
represents dedication,

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mastery of technique
and true leadership.

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Because a brown belt represents...
Dedication.  ..dedication...

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..mastery...of technique
and true leadership.

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Yeah?

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Fancy thinking I don't do anything!

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What are we doing now, Sue?

73
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Don't know.
Might buy some sausages.

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All because I never had a job.

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My family was my job and I did it
very well, thank you very much!

76
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I'm not useless!

77
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,960
Hey, Eileen, are you OK?

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Tom's got food poisoning.

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He ate a bag of rancid potpourri,

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stupid berk. Thought
they were vegetable crisps.

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Oh, is he OK?  Yeah,

82
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he's just thick as shit.
He was supposed to work today

83
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:08,600
so I could go to my Aunt Shelley's
birthday party.

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Your aunt?  Yeah. She's 108.

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I'm cancelling this taxi.

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She'll be so disappointed.

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I'm sorry.

88
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I wish there was something
I could do.

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Well, actually, maybe I COULD help.

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LAUGHS

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I mean, um, you're injured, Sue.

92
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It's a charity shop,
not the World Cup.

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Have you ever worked in a shop?

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00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:33,440
Well, I've seen you do it
1,000 times.

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Tom can do it, and
you just said he's as thick as shit.

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And I've got Linda.

97
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Yes.

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Sue, it will be like the shop
challenge on The Apprentice.

99
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I can do this.

100
00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:51,000
And if it works out, then I can
come and help you in the shop.

101
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:52,920
The lock can be a bit dicky.

102
00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:56,000
Oh, and there's a shelves
delivery at midday.

103
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All you've got to do is
be in the shop, really.

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OK.

105
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You're not going in one of those
driverless things are you?

106
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Course not. They're deathtraps.

107
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HORN TOOTS
BRAKES SQUEAL

108
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All right, Eileen?  Yeah!

109
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Hi, Sue!

110
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Hi, Brian! I didn't know you were
still a...

111
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I mean, I thought you'd retired.

112
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Retire? No, not me.
Oh, good for you.

113
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Bloody good show, I say.

114
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Eileen, for God's sake,
wear your seat belt.

115
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Relax. Brian's been driving me

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around in this shit heap
for nearly 40 years.

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And I've only been
sober for the last five.

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EILEEN LAUGHS
See you, love.

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CREAKING

120
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Linda, I haven't had a job
since before Michael was born.

121
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Do you think that'll be a problem?

122
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Yes.

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Great.

124
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FALTERING GUITAR RIFF

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RIFF STARTS AGAIN

126
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DOOR OPENS
Hi.

127
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Are you angry?

128
00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:31,800
No. No, I'm not angry.

129
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Why can't you train
with another instructor?

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Professor.
Because Chris is brilliant.

131
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He came third in the Wessex Open.

132
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What, is that a big competition?

133
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:44,680
It's the Wimbledon of BJJ.

134
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:50,640
I know you've got a lot of
trust issues, but so do I.

135
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If anything, you pushed me
into cheating

136
00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:54,400
by spending so much time away.

137
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I was with my mum
because my dad just died!

138
00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:00,720
We can spend all day
trying to figure out who did what.

139
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You had an affair.
And I ended it.

140
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Because I love you.

141
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,840
If anything, my affair was
the best thing I ever did for us.

142
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Oh, t...

143
00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,680
T-Take that down.

144
00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:15,720
I'm a personal trainer, OK?

145
00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:18,160
BJJ is where I meet my PT clients.

146
00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:20,640
More people come to class,
more clients for me.

147
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:22,840
Chris is actually a really
sweet guy.

148
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,200
A really sweet guy? After you two...

149
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PLAYING STOPS

150
00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:28,360
PLAYING CONTINUES

151
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PHONE CLICKS

152
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MOBILE ALERT

153
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SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

154
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That's really vulgar.

155
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Still coming to my presentation?

156
00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:56,800
I-I don't know.

157
00:07:56,800 --> 00:07:58,360
I'm just really busy today.

158
00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:03,160
There's nothing to be scared of.
I'm not scared of that knobhead!

159
00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:04,920
Please don't tell him I said that.

160
00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:08,080
Shit, you're going to
tell him I said that.

161
00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:10,760
D-Do you know what? I don't care if
you tell him.

162
00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:12,520
Please don't tell him.

163
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I've got to go.

164
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I really want you there.

165
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PLAYING STOPS

166
00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:24,480
Can I try the Gibson?

167
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:25,560
Oh, what?

168
00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:28,960
The vintage Gibson Super 400?

169
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:31,200
Do you have �13,000?

170
00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:32,680
SCOFFS
No.  Then, no.

171
00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:35,680
UNDER BREATH:  Loser.
Dickhead!

172
00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:37,680
DISCORDANT STRUMMING

173
00:08:49,840 --> 00:08:53,000
This job is a piece of piss.

174
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,560
I don't know why Eileen was
acting like it was some big deal.

175
00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:59,280
There are many, many
copies of this man's books.

176
00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:01,440
And technically he's a giant.

177
00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:05,280
Help me with this, will you?
We're clearing out the loft.

178
00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:10,480
Madelaine's pregnant! We're going
to be grandparents, again,

179
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:11,960
so you know what that means.

180
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:14,280
It means that,
when Madelaine was ovulating,

181
00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:17,680
a male sexual partner
ejaculated inside her vagina.

182
00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:20,040
It means more sleepovers!

183
00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:22,440
Oh, yes, that makes sense.  Ah, yes.

184
00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:25,400
Oh! What kind of fur is this?

185
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:28,320
Now that is real silk monkey.

186
00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:30,840
I'm only giving it away
because Madelaine says it makes me

187
00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:32,680
look like a lady of the night.

188
00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:35,120
I think Linda might look
lovely in it.

189
00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:36,960
Let's see.

190
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:39,760
Hmm.  The monkey pelt matches my wig.

191
00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:42,960
HE LAUGHS
She is wonderful, isn't she?

192
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,920
You can't buy those now you know -

193
00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:47,360
they've been hunted to extinction.
Oh.

194
00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:50,960
Sue, stand back.
There is a live firearm.

195
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:53,120
HE LAUGHS
Stick 'em up!

196
00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:55,160
THEY BOTH LAUGH

197
00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:59,400
No, that's from
when Jeffery used to smoke.

198
00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:00,760
It's a cigarette lighter.

199
00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:03,200
It is a joke.

200
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:08,080
Beautiful and funny. A real rarity.

201
00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:12,240
Right then. Come on, Jeffery.

202
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,240
Thank you for the donations.

203
00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:17,560
Oh! What, you're working here?

204
00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:19,640
Yes, I am.  Aw!

205
00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:23,440
Well, I think it's terrific
that you're trying to learn

206
00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:25,880
a new skill - at your age.

207
00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:27,360
We're the same age.

208
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:30,560
Good job you've got your
little robot friend to help you!

209
00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:32,680
Everything I touch turns to sold.

210
00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:33,880
Jeffery!

211
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:39,840
Why does everybody think
I can't do this?

212
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,080
Nobody ever comes in this shop.

213
00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:44,760
I'm not surprised.

214
00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:50,440
Linda, come and help me.

215
00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:52,920
Penny did it.

216
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:58,680
Michael.

217
00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:00,560
GRUNTS AND STRAINS

218
00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:08,280
Michael? Michael!

219
00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:12,400
Hmm? Oh, sorry I can't help with the
amps.

220
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:14,560
I've pinched a nerve in my G8.

221
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:18,120
Look, I just want to give you a
heads up - I'm reducing your shifts.

222
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:19,880
Why?  Well, when you left...

223
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:21,560
I-I didn't leave.

224
00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:25,560
I had a full nervous breakdown
when my marriage fell apart.

225
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,400
Yeah, you made that very clear.

226
00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:29,400
Anyway, I-I'm making some changes.

227
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:31,720
There's a new employee
starting next week.

228
00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:35,960
Mark, Mark. I really
appreciate you taking me back.

229
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:37,960
It's the least I could do
after you threatened me

230
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:39,920
with legal action
under the Mental Health Act.

231
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:41,480
Yeah, true.

232
00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,640
Well, it will not happen again.

233
00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:46,560
Me and Renee, we're in
a really good place now.

234
00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:48,920
Gosh, that's wonderful,
I'm really rooting for you guys.

235
00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:52,080
I'm going to move the rest of the
amplifiers.  Mark, Mark.

236
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:54,800
I know it's a big ask,
but, um,

237
00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:56,560
could I finish early today?

238
00:11:56,560 --> 00:12:00,320
I don't know. If you go,
who's going to stare at the bin?

239
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,040
FORCED LAUGH

240
00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:03,560
Does that mean I can?

241
00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:05,920
Sure.  You're the best.
Can I go NOW?

242
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:08,240
Honestly, it makes very little
difference

243
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:09,760
whether you're here or not.

244
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:11,080
WHISPERS:  Thank you so much.

245
00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:15,720
Thanks, Mark!

246
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:20,400
DING

247
00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:27,160
Our first customer.

248
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:32,360
I suppose
I should go and speak to them.

249
00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:34,120
Yes, Sue, you should speak to them.

250
00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:38,080
Why am I so nervous?

251
00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:39,880
It's not difficult.

252
00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:42,480
According to Lord Sugar's
autobiography,

253
00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:45,760
the best way to meet people
is to smile and ask a question.

254
00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:47,200
Right.

255
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:01,000
Hello.

256
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,640
How much do you weigh?

257
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:03,680
What?!

258
00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:08,280
She means...  Do you enjoy
the music of Tina Turner?

259
00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:10,360
Yes, I do, actually.

260
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:14,200
How much is this bag?

261
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:15,920
Let me check that for you.

262
00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:21,640
Er...shall we say �10?

263
00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:24,280
�10! It's a deal!

264
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:25,520
It's a deal.

265
00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:27,200
It's a deal.

266
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:28,480
I'll give you seven.

267
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:31,280
Eight.

268
00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:34,200
Eight.  Yes!

269
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:38,600
Thank you!
LAUGHS

270
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,320
Ooh-hoo-hoo!

271
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,240
Oh! That was intense.

272
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:46,240
I thought to myself, "She is
definitely going to bid seven."

273
00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:49,240
So I thought, "OK, Sue, don't blink

274
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:51,960
"and keep your head on a swivel!"

275
00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:55,240
Oh...

276
00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:56,440
Thank you.

277
00:13:58,320 --> 00:13:59,880
Enjoy your bag.

278
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,720
Thank you.  Bye.

279
00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:05,680
Linda, here's our next customer!

280
00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:07,800
Oh, the delivery's here.

281
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:10,960
You look after this lovely lady,
give her everything she needs,

282
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,240
and I'll be back in a minute.

283
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:16,240
Hello.

284
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:19,280
Do you enjoy
the films of Guy Ritchie?

285
00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:21,280
Y-Yes. Yes.

286
00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:31,240
DING

287
00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:36,920
Thank you very much. Thank you.

288
00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:38,680
Thank you, Linda, you take that.

289
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,600
Linda, do you have the key?

290
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:50,920
I do not have the key.

291
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:53,160
I told you stay in the shop.

292
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:54,960
Would you feel better
if I apologised?

293
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,480
Linda, door, open.

294
00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,720
BANGS DOOR

295
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:07,680
It is still locked.

296
00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:10,120
Well, don't you have one of those
universal key things

297
00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:13,000
on your finger or something?
No.

298
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:16,040
Sue, do you have your phone?
Oh, yes. Yes. I have.

299
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,240
Search locksmiths in your area.

300
00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:19,480
No!

301
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:22,400
No-one need know about this.

302
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:24,960
There must be some way
of getting in.

303
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:28,600
It's a charity shop for God's sake,
not Alcatraz.

304
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,480
Linda, can you climb?
Yes, Sue, I can climb.

305
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:40,840
Good. I want you to climb up
that drainpipe, get through that

306
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:44,880
open window, go downstairs and
let me in through the front door.

307
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:45,920
Go!

308
00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:50,840
Can you go quicker?

309
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:53,960
Eileen'll be home any minute.

310
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:55,680
She hates parties.

311
00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:59,720
ROBOTIC AND DREARY:


312
00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:03,000


313
00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:05,960
BANG

314
00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:09,680
Warning, Sue.

315
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:12,040
I am descending rapidly.

316
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:13,320
Oh...

317
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:15,280
The drainpipe is now broken.

318
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:16,600
Damn it, Linda!

319
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,560
Sue, you are getting very stressed.

320
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,120
Cos you're not being any help!

321
00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:23,200
Sue, I am struggling to see what
you have brought to the table.

322
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:33,840
Somebody must live on that
floor up there.

323
00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:36,040
We must be able to
get their attention.

324
00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:38,120
Grab a pebble and we...
GLASS SMASHES

325
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:39,520
Oh!

326
00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:40,560
Oh!

327
00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:55,520
You're here!

328
00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:56,800
Of course I am.

329
00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:58,280
I told you I'm not scared.

330
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:01,760
But I'm not going to talk to him.

331
00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:04,280
And I'm not going to call
him professor.

332
00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:06,000
All right, well, you're really
early -

333
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:08,160
I don't get awarded
my belt until after class.

334
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:10,520
Yeah, I got off early.

335
00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:12,120
Cos I-I realised

336
00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:14,040
that I've never watched you train.

337
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:15,720
That's really unsupportive.

338
00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:17,440
Are you here to keep an eye on me?

339
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:18,800
No.

340
00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:20,480
Cos it's kind of sexy, if you are.

341
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:22,000
Really?  Mmm.

342
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:24,760
Yes. Yes! You are MY woman!

343
00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:26,160
What?  Sorry.

344
00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:27,640
Hey, guys.

345
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:29,320
Professor Chris.

346
00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:30,680
So good to see you.

347
00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:33,560
Professor Chris.

348
00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:35,920
Please, call me Chris.

349
00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:38,840
So...you're finally going to
train with us, huh?

350
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:42,160
I'd give you, like, six months free.

351
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:44,640
Least I can do.
For having sex with my wife?

352
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:46,840
Yeah.

353
00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:49,080
See, Michael, I told you -
it's cool.

354
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:51,720
Yeah, you know, I get a good
workout in the shop.

355
00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:53,640
Lifting amps, guitars.

356
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,040
Ah, that's a pretty sweet gig, man.

357
00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:57,880
You know, I play a bit myself.

358
00:17:57,880 --> 00:18:00,120
Oh, what have you got?

359
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:01,920
I'm a bit of a Gibson nut.

360
00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:04,600
I just splashed out on another
Super 400.

361
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:07,240
Oof. Such a rich tone.

362
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:08,800
CAR HORN BEEPS

363
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:16,560
Lola drives me everywhere now.

364
00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:18,880
She knows all my phone's passcodes.

365
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:21,200
We're doing a lot of intimacy
rebuilding.

366
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:23,480
Oh, yeah. Yeah, so are we.

367
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:25,000
Are we?  Yes.

368
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:27,160
Ah, man, you and me...

369
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,040
..we're no different.

370
00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:33,160
We're men.
Nature designed us to hunt,

371
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:34,880
conquer and, if necessary...

372
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:37,360
..kill.

373
00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:38,480
Right, Mike?

374
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:42,560
Yeah.
CAR HORN BLARES

375
00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:44,760
Looks like the boss wants me
to keep moving.

376
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:47,680
See you in there.

377
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:50,120
Oss!  Oss!

378
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,600
Oh, after you.

379
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,720
Are my champions ready to sweat?!

380
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:16,160
ALL:  Oss!
Oss!

381
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:17,600
OK, good.

382
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:20,600
Today is a big day.

383
00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:23,720
We've got a few warriors ready
to graduate to their next belt.

384
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:25,600
It's a massive achievement.

385
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:28,560
But first, we train!

386
00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:29,600
ALL:  Oss!

387
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:32,800
Now, we're going to start with
a warm-up that focuses

388
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:35,200
on opening out the hips.
Can I borrow...

389
00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:40,560
..Renee? This stretch is brilliant

390
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:42,880
for hamstring and hip mobility.

391
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:45,000
Renee, can you please lay down?

392
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:46,720
OK, can you raise your left leg?

393
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:51,440
Now we're going to scoop with our
bicep right under the hamstring.

394
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:53,560
Like this. And breathe out.

395
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:57,920
Yeah?  Yeah.
It feels really good.  Good.

396
00:19:57,920 --> 00:19:59,520
And now the other leg.

397
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:01,360
Scoop, push.

398
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,960
Good. You know,
your hips have really opened up

399
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:11,960
since we started working together.
Thank you.

400
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,480
OK, everyone.

401
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:14,920
HE CLAPS
Let's go!

402
00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:17,280
Oh, God, here she comes.

403
00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:20,520
I feel like an idiot.

404
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:22,200
You are not an idiot.

405
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:25,080
I have assessed your problem-solving
and cognitive function.

406
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:29,440
You have an IQ of between 119-122.

407
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:31,880
Am I a genius?

408
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:33,640
Absolutely not.  Oh.

409
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:35,960
At the end of the day,
people have to realise,

410
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:38,840
if you travel,
bedbugs are the price you pay.

411
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:40,840
All right, Sue?  Hiya.

412
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,760
Oh, I need some more
customer reviews.

413
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:45,520
Preferably ones above the
two stars I'm getting at the moment.

414
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:47,720
Would you mind?
Yeah, yeah, whatever.  Lovely.

415
00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:50,760
Oh, and don't mention I got lost
and had four pints at lunch.

416
00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:52,160
Or that I ran out of petrol

417
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:54,600
and we had to walk the last 2km.
OK?

418
00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:56,680
Bye, Sue.
What you doing out here?

419
00:20:57,680 --> 00:21:00,040
Got locked out.
You idiot!

420
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:02,880
It's all right.
I've got a spare set.

421
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:04,640
Don't worry.

422
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:06,520
At least you got the delivery.

423
00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:08,120
Yeah.

424
00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:09,600
We got the delivery,

425
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:11,360
and then it was stolen.

426
00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:14,040
Oh.
After we broke the drainpipe.

427
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,640
Oh.
And then we smashed a window.

428
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,480
Oh.  We went round the back

429
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:20,640
to try and break in and that's

430
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:22,920
when the delivery was stolen.

431
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:26,280
I take full responsibility
for the failure of this task.

432
00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:28,200
But we did dress the window.

433
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:30,720
How was the party?

434
00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:32,440
Oh, pretty depressing.

435
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:35,320
But it meant a lot to
Auntie Shelley that I showed up.

436
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:37,920
I am the only family she has left.

437
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:41,240
Sue, that is like you and Michael.
She didn't want to be alone today.

438
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:42,880
That is like you and Michael.

439
00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:44,840
And if you can't count on family...

440
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:46,520
That is like you and Michael.

441
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:54,360
I-I'm sorry, Eileen, would you mind
if I left work early today?

442
00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:56,360
Only there's somewhere I need to be.

443
00:21:56,360 --> 00:21:59,320
I think it's best you go, yeah.

444
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:02,640
Oh, and what do you think
about me working here?

445
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:03,680
God, no!

446
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:11,920
APPRENTICE THEME PLAYS
You are missing out on a massive

447
00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:13,720
opportunity by firing Sue.

448
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:15,160
I never hired her.

449
00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:16,800
You'll regret this!

450
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:18,960
This isn't the last
you'll hear of Sue!

451
00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:22,400
Bloody robots!

452
00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:24,080
OK, everyone, gather round.

453
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:29,920
I want us
to work on some self-defence today.

454
00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:33,120
I want you to imagine
it's late at night.

455
00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:36,360
You're in Tesco doing a quick shop.

456
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:40,120
You're buying milk, cereal...

457
00:22:40,120 --> 00:22:41,600
Some potatoes?

458
00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:44,200
Excellent. Well done, Renee.

459
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,280
Some basil?

460
00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:47,840
No.

461
00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:49,840
You're leaving the shop...

462
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:51,320
..and someone comes at you.

463
00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:54,600
Elliott.

464
00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:57,520
OK, Elliott,
I want you to come at me.

465
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:00,720
Tss!

466
00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:03,200
Come at me like a man.

467
00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:10,880
Well done, Elliott.

468
00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:12,920
Great effort for your first class.

469
00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:19,720
HE SCOFFS

470
00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:23,800
You all right, Mike? Hmm?

471
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:25,360
Yep! Yeah!

472
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:26,760
Sounded like you said something.

473
00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:27,800
Nope.

474
00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:30,920
Good. OK, then. Everyone.

475
00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:32,560
It just looked a bit unfair.

476
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:34,840
Because Elliott
looks like a dipshit loser?

477
00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:38,680
Let me tell you something -
every person who puts on a uniform

478
00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:40,840
and joins this class
has my total respect.

479
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:43,840
They're all warriors.

480
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:45,480
They don't sit on the sidelines.

481
00:23:56,880 --> 00:24:00,440
OK! Yes!
Everyone, welcome Michael!

482
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:04,480
Hi, everyone.

483
00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:06,280
Hi, Chris.
It's Professor.

484
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:10,240
Out there, it's Chris. It's...

485
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:12,160
In here, it's Professor.

486
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:14,840
It's all right. You'll get
the hang of it! Have a seat.

487
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:21,800
OK, the basics.

488
00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:26,440
Argh!  Can you all see that,
no matter what he does,

489
00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:28,240
he cannot break this hold?

490
00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:31,040
If I exert a little more pressure...

491
00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:34,720
Argh! Professor Chris,
please, that really hurts!

492
00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:35,960
Really hurts.

493
00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:38,920
Linda, do something.

494
00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:41,040
What would you like me to do, Sue?

495
00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:42,640
Stop him!

496
00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:44,400
Yes, Sue.

497
00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:47,160
Please get off Michael.

498
00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:49,560
I will get off Michael
once he breaks this hold!

499
00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:51,720
Please get off Michael.

500
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:54,040
Gun!
SCREAMING

501
00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:56,800
It is a joke. It is a joke.

502
00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:58,880
Robots.

503
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:00,600
Taser! Taser! Taser!

504
00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:03,160
Argh!
CRACKLING

505
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:08,120
Jeffrey said the joke is humorous

506
00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:10,240
because it appears to
be a live firearm.

507
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:11,920
This is all Jeffrey's fault.

508
00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:13,680
Renee worked for years
to get this belt!

509
00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:15,800
This was meant to be her day.

510
00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:16,920
You could've killed him.

511
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:18,280
I used a low amperage.

512
00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:19,640
And, I didn't need its help.

513
00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:21,840
I was just about to smash his ass!

514
00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:24,960
L-Let's go, babe.

515
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:27,160
I'll talk to you later, Mum.
CAR CHIRPS

516
00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:29,480
But you need to keep your robot
under control!

517
00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:38,800
I'm still good at my job.

518
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:40,440
Yes, you are, Sue.

519
00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:42,280
In fact, you are very good.

520
00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:43,640
Thank you, Linda.

521
00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:47,640
We are talking about your job
as a mother.

522
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:49,400
That's right, Linda.

523
00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:51,720
Not your job in the charity shop.

524
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:52,920
No.

525
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:55,240
Because that was
a complete shitshow.

526
00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:03,840
TOY PLAYS TUNE

527
00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:08,880
Wow!

528
00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:15,080
We really do have
a lot of Richard Osman books.

529
00:26:15,130 --> 00:26:19,680
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